Oh happy day!

Welp, Ben and I have decided that we like each other enough to put a label on this thing, so when he comes down this weekend, he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend. It's sort of lame because I already think of us as a couple, but he wants to ask me in person. And by lame, I mean incredibly sweet.

Guys. I'm so so happy. I know that I don't need a man to make me happy, but never have I felt so taken care of and loved. I don't have this overwhelming worry that I'm not good enough or that I'll say something stupid and he'll think less of me. No, in fact, I've honestly let myself be exactly who I am and he likes it. I don't want to sound mushy or whatever, but I now know why things didn't work out with anyone else.

My best friend Kami once told me that love doesn't hurt. I'm not saying that I'm in love with Ben, but nothing has hurt. He hasn't hurt my feelings a single time or said anything that I need to be worried about. He's willing to love me and wants me to love him.

And you know what? He totally deserves it.

Most perfect date ever!!!!!1!!

Remember how I said that I probably wasn't going to go to Chicago? Well, it happened! Jonathan, Carrie and I hopped on the South Shore and merrily rode it to Randolph. We met up with my sweet Hannahbird and her boyfriend Nathan, just before they caught the next train back to SB, at Corner Bakery (sidenote: They have the BEST vegetarian panini that I've ever had) where we waited for another friend to join. I wish I could put into words how wonderful it was to just laugh and have everyone together, but I think you just had to be there. Anyway, after HB and Nathan left, the rest of the group went to H&M to get our fashion on. The group then parted ways, me heading to meet my dear friend Ben and they heading to Wicker Park.

Let me just say that Ben is great. No, not great, more like...amazingfantasticcutesexywonderful. Our date started at Intelligensia where we geeked out over coffee and photography. We then headed to Millenium Park and found a really cute, but barren, garden and I proceeded to prove to him that I am indeed a complete dork. This did not thwart him, however, because for some reason, he thought it was cute. We (and by that I mean that I) got hungry and we headed to the Thai restaurant across the street. While leaving the restaurant and heading back to the park, it started raining. One of my biggest dreams ever was to be kissed in the rain, and do you know what happened? That's right: He kissed me in the rain in downtown Chicago. It was perfect and beautiful and glorious. All great things must come to an end, and I had to leave him behind at the train station shortly afterward, but for real, it was the best date I've ever been on. Here's a photo:

We're cute.

 

 

 

 

 So yeah. Be jealous. ;D

Mmm...chai.

I'm at work drinking an iced soy green tea chai. Yeah, that's right, I'm absurdly pretentious. :) But really, it's so freaking good. SO GOOD.

Jonathan is home until Tuesday! Oh what joy fills my heart! One thing (among the many) that college doesn't prepare you for is how to deal with life after your friends get great jobs and move away from you. While you, selfishly, want them to stay, you also want them to go out and follow their dreams. Ughhhh.

Anyway, there are rumors that we'll be going to Chicago on Sunday (which is exciting) and meeting up with another friend from college, Xack. I have not seen this man in almost a year and it's killing me. If I do end up going to Chicago, it'll be solely to see him. It's not that I wouldn't want to spend the day with some of my favorite people, but my apartment needs cleaned in an almost desperate way and I want to open the windows and let the sunshine in while we still have it. Conundrum.

Now I'm just rambling. Goodnightttt.

Vegetarianism and music.

Nathan just texted me, begging that we become vegetarian because he was somewhere and they had those huge lobster tanks that scare the shit out of people (if they don't scare you, they should). So, kids, it looks like I'll be doing it for real this time, well, at least until I get rid of the eight Swai fillets and the cans of tuna I just bought. This is going to be rough because I really, really enjoy meat, but at this point, it's not worth buying it or even eating it. It's time to get healthy. Recipes, anyone?

I've been really bad at the whole being healthy thing. I bought an awesome pair of running shoes last week, but haven't actually used them to run. At first I told myself that I need to break them in first, but now that I have broken them in, I have come to the conclusion that I'm just scared to start running. It's such a stupid fear, but I've been fat my whole life and I've never had any good memories associated with running. I just need to get over it, lace these babies up, and stop being such a pussy.

And music. I don't know why I ever stop listening to him, but Ryan Adams has been my life this week. I don't know what it is that captivates me, but something about him has dug it's claws in my brain and washes endorphins over my entire body. His latest album, III/IV, is so reminiscent of his early work that it sends me back to high school, only I can relate finally relate to and understand the lyrics. He's just perfect. Here's some of his music:

The second one is my favorite RA song, and maybe my favorite song ever.

It's been a while. To say that I've been busy is something of an understatement, but I'm back. :) Things have been crazy since I've been back from Russia. My mother and grandfather have both been in the hospital with potentially serious health issues, but luckily, they're back on track. I've also had to fit school and work back into my life, which is always sort of bittersweet. Remember when I posted some of my goals for the year? Well, I'm going to start making good on some of them. Thanks to a beautifully surprising tax return, I'm able to pay off some of my debt that's been looming over my head. I've also been trying to get serious about my health, something that most of you know isn't easy for anyone, especially me. Starting next Monday, I'm going to go to the gym and, hopefully, continue to go regularly.

Another thing that's been on my mind lately is poetry. I randomly started up a StumbleUpon account and it's inspired me to begin writing again. The last year has been easily the worst year of my life and I think that I need to tap into that and let poetry heal me. I know that sounds SO stupid, but writing down circumstances of a situation helps me become more objective, which helps start the healing process for me. Yesterday, I submitted 3 poems to my college's creative writing journal. While it's not exactly legitimate or even taken seriously, it's nice to know that some of my writing is being seen by someone. I need to actually publish something sometime. Anyone have any thoughts?

I'm Back!

Russia was...so many things: cold, healing, draining, invigorating, beautiful, majestic, tiring, and intense. People have asked what my favorite part was, but I really don't have an answer because it was overwhelming. Maybe I still have to process it. Here are some photos, though most of you can find them on my facebook.

I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna start learning Russian.

Boooooooooks!

I've yet to pack. Rachel is here (the coffee shop) right now and when we go to my house later, I'll do laundry and begin the dreaded packing process. The hardest part about packing is deciding which books to take. I feel like there should be a fair amount of Russian literature (maybe like 2 or 3 small-ish books) and maybe a couple of other random ones. I bought a book of short stories written by Chekhov for my birthday so I'll bring that. I might even get really inspired and decide to bring the Dickens book I've been putting off for forever. The only bad thing is that most of my books are still at my mom's house. Boo. Oh well. I'm excited to read again. It'll be nice.

Who care's that it's Valentine's Day!? I'M GOING TO RUSSIA!

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Valentine's Day like you'd think a single woman should. In fact, I'd almost go so far as to say that I like it (gasp!). Why do I like it? I think it's because it's something fun to celebrate and get excited about in the middle of winter. St. Patty's is also good for this (although in a more "adult" way). Either way, I'm not hating today, especially because I'm one day closer to leaving for Russia.

Amanda, one half of the duo I'll be staying with in Russia, said that it's in the double digit negatives there right now. Hot damn, that's cold. I need to go to Old Navy and Goodwill tomorrow to buy some sweaters or something that'll keep me warm. I'm really, really getting excited! AH! I'm also really excited to see my friend in Chicago. Instead of going out and spending a lot of money, we're making dinner. I don't know what he's thinking, but I'm rooting for Italian. If anybody has any good, easy Italian recipes, let me know!

I guess that's it. Happy Valentine's Day, and don't be a jackass to the ones you love! :)

Healthy-ish

I'm trying to get healthy. Please note the word trying. In trying to get healthy, I'm also trying to be a vegetarian. I knew it was going to be hard, but I am here to tell you that it is both more and less difficult than I thought it would be. I realize that's a contradiction, but it's true. It's not difficult for me to avoid meat because you can buy all sorts of vegetarian things anywhere you go. The thing is that I miss the texture of meat..like, I miss chewing it. It's so weird. I've sort of decided to be more of a pescetarian because of this reason. I mean, economically, vegetarianism is working out well, so I'll only get fish and seafood when I go out to eat (which I realize is a little more expensive, but I might as well treat myself, right?). I'm also trying to do less caffeine because we were talking about the risk factors of osteoporosis in biology the other day, and drinking too much alcohol or caffeine heighten the risk of having it. So, less caffeine for me. You will find that this change in diet will make me a less than nice/happy person. Bear with me, friends.

Also, the dreams I've been having have not stopped. You know in "Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind" how Jim Carey gets rid of Kate Winslet? Yeah, if that were a real thing right now, I'd save every penny to have it done. Yet, in these dreams, I am a willing captive. I was listening to some music today and randomly picked a song of Rufus Wainwright's new album. He put three Shakespearean sonnets to music, and of course, I accidentally picked the one that is most similar to how I feel.

SONNET 43

When most I wink, then do mine eyes best see,
For all the day they view things unrespected;
But when I sleep, in dreams they look on thee,
And darkly bright are bright in dark directed.
Then thou, whose shadow shadows doth make bright,
How would thy shadow's form form happy show
To the clear day with thy much clearer light,
When to unseeing eyes thy shade shines so!
How would, I say, mine eyes be blessed made
By looking on thee in the living day,
When in dead night thy fair imperfect shade
Through heavy sleep on sightless eyes doth stay!
   All days are nights to see till I see thee,
   And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me.

Okay, so you know how I hate it when people comment on facebook about how cold it is? Well, I'm just going to say this: I haven't been warm in days. There, that's all.

I can't believe that I'm going to Russia next week. Seriously, this time next week, I'll be two hours into my thirteen hour trip. So far, I am most excited about visiting Dostoevsky's apartment. That's not to say that I'm not excited in general, but I mean, I will be in the apartment of the author of my favorite book. Pretty awesome. Visiting with Matt and Amanda, two of my all-time favorite people, will also be so great.


I did have a little bit of a scare yesterday, though. I lost my wallet somewhere in downtown SB and I was freaking out. Luckily, the restaurant I went to found it. Ugh...it was really scary, I'll tell you that. There's not too much to talk about. Sorry for being boring. :)

:)

Isn't it so weird how one week can be so terrible and then when the clock strikes midnight on the new week, everything is new and (sometimes) better? That's how the last two weeks have seemed to me. Last week was bad. Scratch that....last week was terrible. I had not only one, but TWO awful dreams, there was a snow day (which may have been the highlight), I worked a twelve hour shift on Saturday...blah..it was just bad. This week, however, is already it's exact opposite. Monday started by my sleeping in til a heinous hour, then going on a date (which was fantastic!), then class. Tuesday started off slow and less than thrilling, but I've warmed up to it, especially since two of my friends from high school are staying over tonight and I got the news that my visa to Russia will be here tomorrow! I'm so excited!

Oh yeah, I should mention Russia. So, I'm going to Russia next week to visit friends who teach in St. Petersburg. I'm excited, and yet, I'm nervous. I've been on a plane multiple times, but never so far. Total flight time is 13 hours. Insane. However, it'll be completely worth it. And I'll take a TON of photos. A LITERAL TON. :) For those of you that have been to Russia (Katie), tell me some of the must-see sights.

Music!!!!1

Adele came out with a new album. Hot damn, it's good. Her voice is like smoky caramel, so decadent and heady. One of my favorite things about her is that she writes her own music. Nobody, especially women singers, writes their own stuff these days. It's so refreshing.

Follow the link, friends, and listen. Listen especially to "Rolling In The Deep" as it is a personal favorite.

Loves.

*Sigh* (yeah, I'm being "that" person)

Do you ever want to write what's really on your heart, but are afraid of someone in particular reading it and at the same time, you want them to read it? That's where I am right now.

I want to write about a man that I loved (love?). The first one that I ever loved, in fact. He had no idea how much I loved him, still doesn't. We don't even talk anymore, which is probably the best and worst part. I had a dream about him the other day. In my dream, I was attending Mass with my old college roommates and he was there with his new girlfriend. It was heartbreakingly awkward and painful. I woke up and even now, I haven't been able to shake it. More than I miss him, I miss his friendship and the feeling of being with someone who really knows me and "gets" me. Call me crazy, but I'm so ready to not have to date anymore to find all of that.

This song is kinda how I feel about it all---> Antony and the Johnsons "Ghost"

Work it on out, baby.

I need to start working out. For some stupid reason, I really want to become a runner. No marathons or anything like that, but I'd like to experience the "runner's high." Not only would I become more healthy (physically and mentally), but I would have a higher chance of achieving Goal Number 9. All I know is that something in my life needs to change and this is the most easily remedied.

Okay, so all of that I need help picking out music for a work out mix. So far I have: Bloc Party, Florence + The Machine, The White Stripes, Beyonce, and a few other random people. Here's some criteria:
1) Must be fast paced, obviously.
2) Not a must-have, but I like deep, meaningful lyrics.
3) The more angry it is, the better.

I think that's it. Also, does anyone have advice on working out? I mean, I know how to do it and all that, but I mean, just give me whatever advice you can. :)

Big, fat gay men. Yesssssss

It's snowing. A lot. Big deal.

I miss having the internet at my house. I miss it a whooooole lot. Without it, I tend to be supremely bored and do things like watch Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince two and half times...in a row. To be fair, I also did the pile of dishes that had accumilated and some laundry.

I spent a lot of time wishing for things, too. The top of my wish list is a very large gay man to love and squeeze. We'd hold hands and skip (not too much because we'd both be out of breath very quickly), go to gay bars, and then cry when we're too drunk to function. I mean, is that too much to ask? Someone please find me this beast man.

I hate Facebook.

Nathan and I have tentatively decided to move to Indianapolis when our lease is up in SB. There are a ton of factors we need to consider before actually moving, but I think that we're excited to at least have something sort of figured out.

I've been getting really annoyed by Facebook lately or, rather, the people I'm friends with on Facebook. Here's why:
1) Whenever the weather changes suddenly, everyone comments on it. HELLO! WE LIVE IN NORTHERN INDIANA! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!
2) Stop with the "Holier than thou" crap. We get it, you love Jesus, don't make me feel bad because I don't.
3) Just because you don't have a life and spend all your time on Facebook doesn't give you the right to correct everyone's status and act like an ass. Because really, you just look like an ass.
4) If you miss someone, tell them. Just say, "Hey, I was thinking about you and wanted to say that I missed you" or something like that. Telling me that you miss my face or some other similarly awkward thing makes me not want to hang out with you.
5) Don't accept my friend request and then never talk to me/ignore comments and whatnot that I leave for you. I'll be more offended by you being an ass when we're "friends" than by not being friends. 
6) When receiving a mass message, either message the sender the response or think about the fact that whatever you write will be sent to everyone....and will clog up their email inbox as well as their text message inbox (because everyone has FB on their cells now). Either make it good or don't write anything at all.
7) This is for anything that involves communication via computer/text: NEVER USE ALL CAPS UNLESS YOU WANT TO SOUND LIKE YOU'RE YELLING OR YOU WANT TO STRESS A POINT!!! Good, glad I got that out of my system.


Have I ever been guilty of any of these? Undoubtedly. However, I have learned the error of my ways. Please be inspired to do the same.


Love you oodles!
A

I don't know what to write about, so I'll just write about some goals I have for this year.
1) Buy a digital camera (this will actually be done like next week).
2) Go to Russia and have a fabulous time.
3) GRADUATE!!!11.
4) Figure out where I'm going after my lease is up (and get a job/apartment there).
5) Save money for a better car.
6) Save money.
7) Start learning out to play the guitar so I can become a high profile celebrity.
8) Get a 4.0 this semester (or at least come really close).
9) GET A BOYFRIEND

I'd be okay if a few of those things didn't happen. Actually, just number 9. Anyway, it's just a short list to help me  figure out what's going on in my own life.

Roommate (his name is Nathan by the way, and he's fabulous) and I were talking last night and we both hate this city. So we're gonna move to a bigger (and better) one. We've tossed around Indy, Quebec, Montreal, Vancouver, and Toronto, but we really don't know. What are your suggestions/thoughts? Oh, and don't suggest Chicago because neither of us are hipster wanna-be's and would like to keep it that way.

C'mon, Stubs.

My roommate and I have the weirdest conversations. Last night we were lying in bed and talking about the craziest shit. He told me that he wanted to have a pre-funeral, one that he could attend, and it would be his "sending off." Of course, this would be in the very far future. His warped vision involved his inevitable limb amputation, which would force me to push his torso and stubs down the aisle towards his coffin. While I do this, I will be singing a warbling rendition of "Jesus Take The Wheel" and his song, in response, is "You Raise Me Up," which he sings as I lift his body up and into the coffin. Meanwhile, in an effort to keep this circus going, our darling cat Vera, dressed as a rabbi, sends his soul to heaven. God only knows what Dorian would be doing, but I'm sure it's enough to send us all to hell.

I live with a lunatic. :)

You spelled 'Girl' wrong.

DUH. Here's the story behind the name of my blog. 

Like everyone, I have a story. It's sad and it's horrible, but it's real. The long of the short of it is that I was emotionally and sometimes physically abused as a child. From the time I was four years old until about two years ago, I actually thought that I was worthless. Yeah, sort of fucked up, right? It took FOREVER for me to realize that I had worth as a human being. Then, a couple years ago, I heard a song that changed my life.

(suspenseeeeeee) I have to explain the background of the story first, though. :)

The song, Bird Gerhl, is written by Antony Hegarty, a transgendered person. Throughout his life, Antony has had to reconcile who he is with his family, God, and, really, with the world. In this song, you hear him take control of his destiny, and he is wholly unapologetic.

When I heard this song, I realized that it was time for me to stop being a victim and to "be born" again. The song also has an eerily beautiful, haunting sound, mostly due to Antony's vocals, that is pretty contradictory to the lyrics and the message the song conveys. I really, really love that quality about the song. So yeah, a long ass story to explain from whence my blog came.

Listen to it here.

Hi. I'm Analiese and this is my my new/only blog. Here are some things that I'll probably talk about: my cats, my roommate, my job, and school. It'll be boring, but it could be witty and fun, too. Don't judge me too harshly.